Looking for The One?

I don’t know how many times I’ve been asked, “How do I find ‘The One?'”

Lots of people believe that The One, their soulmate, will appear one day and they’ll just know. And who knows, maybe they will.

Relationships, however, aren’t always, if ever, that magical. They may start out like that because usually the vision for those in “lust” is blurred, but eventually the vision clears, and voila, you SEE the real person behind all that attraction. That’s just the way it goes.

In order to find The One, you have to be The One. What do I mean by this? It means you have to be the Best You Possible (BYP), and you have to be Genuine. Often people fake their way through a relationship so they can “hook” the person they want. They might pretend to love baseball, video games, chic flicks, children, etc., whatever they deem necessary to achieve their desires. But what will that do?

That might get someone to possibly fall in love with your FAKE self. But eventually, the fake self will wear off. A fake self cannot last long; it’s too much work. By being genuine you allow the natural process of the other person’s realistic reactions to you to take place in a reliable manner. Anything else won’t do. Or, it won’t do for long. The more you misrepresent yourself, the more you warp the necessary process of really getting to know someone and making a decision based on true facts.

What else? To find The One, don’t act needy or desperate. That will just create the opposite effect. No one likes needy or desperate people. Respect yourself enough to set boundaries. Show confidence in your abilities, and in who you are as a person. People are attracted to that; it’s like a moth being drawn to a light. Be the light!

Once you think you might have found The One, make sure you’re on the same page in regards to the big things. The BIG things are:

Money: who will handle the finances? Is one the better saver? Who is the big spender? Will they spend every cent, then more?

Children: do both of you want them? If so, how many? If not, will that be okay? How will they be raised? Will one of you stay home? Or will both of you work? If so, who will take care of them?

In-laws: how involved will they be in your lives? As they age, who will be there to help them? Will they live with you, or be placed in an assisted living situation?

Communication: learn how to do this! It is critical in order to keep a relationship in good standing. Bad communication will sink the relationship faster than the iceberg sank the Titanic.

You may think I’ve taken the romance out of finding The One. Maybe I have. But don’t you want The One to truly be The One? Not someone you lured into your web with false claims and a dangling carrot?

The idea of soulmates is quite romantic. But finding The One/Your Soulmate, doesn’t mean you won’t encounter relationship problems. That’s a given.

In order to have a successful relationship there has to be a lot of work put into it, whether it’s The One or the possibility of him/her being The One. Every person is complex. Every relationship is complex. Things are going to challenge the couple; that’s just the way it is. But in spite of this, success can be attained. Maybe The One didn’t start out as such, but turned into them with lots of nurturing, care, and respect.

Sometimes you don’t find The One, you create them!






Breaking Up Is Hard To Do!

Neil Sedaka had it right when he sang that breaking up was hard to do.

Whether you’re the dumper or the dumpee, it is always a painful process.

If you’re the one doing the dumping, you might feel some guilt and uncertainty, but you’ll move on quicker, especially if you are moving on with someone else.

If you are the one that has been left behind, things may be a little harder. You might go into denial, “No, he can’t leave me! No one is going to love him as much as I do!” Then you figure out that, yeah, he is leaving you and moving on with the hot blonde from the gym. Then you’ll probably get really mad! “I can’t believe he left me for her! What’s she got that I haven’t got? He’s a monster!” Once your anger subsides, you start thinking, “Well, maybe if I’d been a nicer girlfriend, he wouldn’t have left me. Maybe I can win him back with my kindness and that chocolate cake he used to love.” Yeah, bargaining probably won’t work, and then you’ll get depressed.

Maybe you’ll start watching sad movies, eating comfort foods, and having hour-long conversations with your friends who, of course, will agree with you that he’s a MONSTER!

Eventually you have to accept it: you were dumped. So what can you do to help with the grieving process?

1)  Block him from all Social Media. It will not help you heal to watch his relationship status change, or to see him having fun with the hot blonde from the gym at your favorite restaurant.

2)  Do not suggest that you stay friends. It may be easier for him since he left you, but it will more than likely be hell for you.

3)  Whatever you do, don’t DRUNK TEXT. You’ll regret it in the morning. As a matter of fact, if you go out with the girls, make a deal with them to stop you if they see you pulling out your smart phone.

4)  See this time in your life as a NEW START. Set some new goals. Re-invent yourself, if you’re so inclined. There is no stopping you.

5)  Do the things you’ve always wanted to do but never did because you were too comfy in HIS arms.

6)  Don’t stay cooped up inside the house. That’s the worst thing you can do. Step outside. Go hiking. Spend as much time outdoors as you can. Become one with nature.

7)  Reach out to supportive friends and family. Do not spend unnecessary time with naysayers; those people will bring you down even more.

8)  Don’t start scheming. Yes, scheming! Trying to find ways to win him back. Maybe making your way to the gym at 6:00 p.m. because you know he’ll be there pumping iron. Let him go! You can’t make the Band-aid stick exactly the same after it’s been pulled off.

9) Don’t start dating again right away. Give yourself some time. Rebounds rarely, if ever, work. Don’t set yourself up for more heartbreak.

10)  If you feel you need to get some closure and didn’t get to tell him a thing or two, write him a letter; go at it, but DON’T MAIL IT!

11)  Don’t blame your EX for everything. Sometimes people just fall out of love; and sometimes relationships just aren’t a good fit.

12)  Stop over-analyzing everything. Get out of your head. You may never know the true reason he left you. Don’t take it personally.

You may not feel it now, but time is a great healer. It’s hard to know, but he may have done you a huge favor by leaving you. Maybe he made you available  for THE ONE when the time is right.

Hang in there, things will be okay!


“It’s Not A Fairy-tale!”

Everyone’s looking for love; looking for that prince, or princess to show up in their lives.

And sometimes they do. But it’s not what you think. The idea of a Prince and Princess can be charming, but it’s unrealistic.

Think about it, you have two people that come from completely different backgrounds with their own ideas about how to do things, their own interests, viewpoints, way of coping, etc. It’s no wonder that being in a relationship, any relationship, is quite challenging.

No matter in what relationship you find yourself, you’re going to struggle with issues; it’s a given. It’s just a matter of whom you want to fight those battles with.

In the movies, the heroine meets her prince. They face a conflict. Resolve it. And live Happily Ever After. All in a matter of two hours. This may be setting up real people for disappointment. In real life, the prostitute isn’t always a Pretty Woman who has a very rich and handsome guy fall in love with her. It’s a MOVIE!

But don’t get discouraged. Real relationships can be a huge opportunity for growth. You can learn: acceptance, flexibility, compromise, and unconditional love. It’s possible. But it does take a great deal of work, and not giving up at the first difference of opinion.

If you have the stamina to push through the hard times, to work on the hard parts, and expand the great ones, it’s possible to have a best friend for life.

Get ready, however, to spend more than two hours on it. It often takes a lifetime of continued work to get to that sweet spot.

I guarantee you, though, that it’s worth the wait.





A Relationship Built On Lies is Like a House Built On Splintered Stilts!

When you first meet your “dream” person, everything appears to be dream-like. Everything appears to be “perfect.” But since nothing is perfect, or can remain dream-like forever, flaws start to surface, not unlike painful pimples on a flawless face. Often, before you start to notice that not everything is like you thought, a lot of time has been invested, so ending the relationship seems too harsh a choice. So you put up with it.

But here’s what can happen. You know your dream person is no longer a dream. He/she starts to pick at you, attempt to control your every move. Or maybe you just have very different approaches to doing things and you’re constantly clashing. And since you don’t like confrontations, you do nothing but nod, and say, “Yeah, babe!” You may be saying one thing, but you’re doing another. Lying.

You start lying about where you’re going, what you’re doing, whom you spend your time with, etc., all in an effort to avoid THE INEVITABLE CONFRONTATION. It may seem to work for a while; you get to do what you want, when you want and he/she is non the wiser. But eventually, the truth will surface, just like the flaws, and your relationship will collapse, just like that house with the splintered stilts.

A relationship, in order for it to be successful, must be built on a solid foundation of:




Flexibility, and

Loving Communication!

Imagine those as the stilts of your foundation. They must be strong enough to hold that relationship up for as long as you want to have it.

Prevent the collapse of your relationship by living honestly. If you find out your mate doesn’t approve, then that’s not the mate for you, and it’s better to end it. But until then, do the best you can to provide a sound structure. It can still shake a bit at times, but you won’t get buried under the rubble.


Pay Attention to the Red Light on the Dashboard

You’re driving along and suddenly you notice a light on the dashboard. Your check engine light! You’re going to have to take it in and see what’s wrong. Immediately you make an appointment with your mechanic. After all, you can’t be driving around not knowing what the problem is. Any number of things could be wrong. Let’s take at a look at the same scenario, but now it’s not your car; it’s someone you’re dating.

You’re in a new relationship. All seems good. You’re as happy as a clam. But you’ve noticed some troubling things. Because they might not be as blatant as a bright orange or red light staring at you, you ignore it.

Let’s take a look, though, at some relationship “red lights” that ought to send you running in the opposite direction.

  • The relationship moves at the speed of lightening. It’s unusually fast. There’s a lot of talk of “Love at First Sight.” Within a few months of meeting, you’re moving in together, and the pressure is on to commit!
  • You receive unbelievable compliments. Yeah, you’re great, but come on, no one’s a superhero. Also, you might often hear, “You’re all I need in this life.” Since you’re considered a superhero, you’re expected to be “perfect.” As if that were truly possible.
  • You start noticing some controlling-type behaviors, such as being told how to dress, what to wear to certain functions. He/she becomes excessively worried if you’re late; they act like you can’t make basic decisions. You’re put through the 3rd degree, asked question after question about where you were and what you did; demands that you continuously check in. Starts checking your email and/or texts.
  • Extreme jealousy. Doesn’t want to leave your side. And when you’re away, you might get accused of cheating. Calls you or texts you multiple times throughout the day. Checking in is okay, but really, how many times does one really have to check in?
  • Starts isolating you. Doesn’t like you hanging out with family or friends, only with him/her. He/she feels they’re all you need.
  • Blaming behavior. You are responsible for making him/her angry. If you don’t do what they say, you’re “hurting” them.
  • Severe mood swings. One minute they’re happy, the next, they’re throwing a fit of rage.

These are only some of the possible red lights in an abusive relationship. Don’t ignore any of these. Your life can literally depend on it.

When you’re falling in love, it’s easy to see beyond these types of clues. For example, you might excuse his/her jealousy as endearing because it means he/she loves you. You’d be wrong!

Take your relationship as seriously as you take that red light on the dashboard.

A Real Life Barbie? I Don’t Think So!

At what point did it become okay to look like a doll?

I’ve always thought that dolls were modeled after humans. You know, like in a factory somewhere in China. But at some point, some women (and some men) decided that for them to look “perfect,” they had to look like a doll—Barbie (or Ken) to be exact!

To transform oneself into a Barbie doll is not an easy task. The actual Barbie is supposed to be 5’9”, with 39” breasts, an 18” waist (!?!?!), and 33” hips. I’m out in the world quite a bit, and I still haven’t seen any women who look like Barbie, or who could look like one, no matter how hard they tried. It’s not practical nor, in my opinion, healthy.

Women have tried, and in some cases, have done a pretty freaky job of attaining a crazy likeness to the little famous plastic doll, but at what price? In some of the pictures I saw, the likeness was so similar, I couldn’t tell if the picture was of Barbie, or of a real life human woman. Some of the women have gone as far as to have some ribs removed (for that 18” waist), and to have work done on their eyes to make them look doll like.

Real women are not fashioned after dolls. Real women come in all shapes and sizes. Some have big boobs, some small, some smooth skins, some stretch marks, some tall, some short, etc. Women run the gambit. That’s true life.

While researching this topic, I did find a couple of men who have transformed themselves into Ken dolls. Okay. I can’t even begin to talk about this one.

If you want to look better, do so in a healthy way. Work out. Eat healthfully. Avoid toxins. Be you! Don’t try to look like a doll. Embrace who you are, and work on enhancing the very things that make you womanly, or manly.

Don’t compromise yourself, or your health fashioning yourself after an inanimate object. And bear in mind the Barbie will not age. But you will. Who will you be then?

You are not a doll! You are a real life woman or man. We’re only here for a short while, so work on bettering what you have, and not on transforming yourself into something that isn’t even real.



“It’s Just Easier That Way!”

I was talking to a young man recently who is in a fairly new relationship. During our conversation he told me about some things he’d told his girlfriend, mainly lies, because he knew that telling her the truth would result in an argument.

The lies consisted of telling her that he was going to be somewhere when in fact he’d be somewhere else. This young man wasn’t doing anything wrong, but knew the possessive girlfriend would not like it. So instead of telling her the truth, he lied; told her he was working when he was really fishing with his friends. When I asked him why he’d lied about something so innocent, he said, “It’s just easier that way.” He preferred to lie rather than get into an argument with her.

Here’s the problem: relationships based on lies aren’t built on a solid foundation. The smallest little jolt and the foundation cracks. Doing something or saying something because it’s easier doesn’t work. Eventually the lies get discovered and now you have a bigger problem on your hands. At that point you’ve lost all credibility. Regaining trust takes a long time. Sometimes you don’t regain it at all.

If your mate can’t deal with the truth, maybe you need to reconsider being with that mate. You need to be with someone with whom you can be truthful and honest; with whom you can be yourself. If the relationship is going to last, it has to be that way. And if your mate doesn’t like what you’re doing, either stop doing it, or leave him or her. Lying to keep a relationship alive is like artificial resuscitation; only a temporary measure. You have to fix what is wrong; go to the core.

Easier isn’t always the best route to take. The hard road is often difficult, but in the end it’s the only way.


Keep Them Inside, Ladies!

“So have you seen what she looks like?” I ask.

“No, just her boobs, from the picture she sent “Johnny.”

In a world where everything is instantaneous, thanks to the Internet, it’s disturbing to know that some of what is being sent out into the cyber world are Selfies. But not just Selfies of girls smiling while holding their kitten, or Selfies at a restaurant, or in the car wearing goofy glasses, etc. No, these aren’t those kinds of Selfies.

The Selfies to which I am referring are of girls without their tops; girls with their boobs hanging out in all their glory, and then sent via text or emailed to guys, who then forward them to their buddies. So now you’ve just become a pair of boobs passed around for the world to drool over. Does that sound like something you want to do? Do you want to be known for your breasts? If so, what happens, God forbid, if they need to be removed one day for health reasons?

You are more than your boobs! You don’t want the kind of guy who asks for a Selfie of you half naked. Maybe your guy isn’t the one asking. Perhaps you’re just offering, because you’re such a nice girlfriend.

Why are these revealing pictures being sent out? Good question.

I don’t know if there’s one good answer, but some possible explanations may include a need for validation, to make your boyfriends happy, to fish for compliments, to get guys to want you, etc., none of which seem a good enough reason to get your ladies out for the world to see.

Respect yourself! You are worth so much more than that. You don’t need to show all your wears to get someone to like you, or want to be with you.

I ask you this: If it were your daughter doing this, what would your response be? Would you say, “Go ahead, honey. I’ll even take the picture for you!” Or, would your response be pure outrage? “No daughter of mine is going to send a picture of herself naked to some guy who’s going to end up sharing it on-line!”

You may not have a daughter at this time in your life, but you are someone’s daughter.

Increase your worth. Respect yourself. Have someone want you for you, not for your cup size.

In the long run you’ll be happy you did.

The Grass is Always Greener on the Other Side . . . Or is it?

We have two dogs—Nemo and Vinnie. Nemo is quite the finicky eater; I use the term “eater” loosely. He basically refuses to eat. When he does, we’re all happily surprised. More often than not, we have to put him alone in a room—without distractions—so that he eats something. Eventually he does, but he might have skipped a day. Vinnie, on the other hand, inhales his kibbles; can’t get them into his stomach fast enough. Vinnie, by the way, is diabetic, so his food could probably be considered “health food.” While Vinnie devours the content of his bowl, Nemo stands by, waiting to get a taste of the special made-for-diabetics “treat.” Recently, Nemo went on a doggie play date. When it was time to eat, he headed directly over to his buddy’s bowl. The other dog, though, had absolutely no problem with Nemo’s food. I’m sensing a pattern. Here’s another example . . .

While at the gym doing drills, I was standing next to a young woman who had the body of a gymnast. And by that, I mean, she looked really fit: a six-pack, toned, muscular legs, arms deserving of a tank top, etc. Across the floor, headed our way, was another young woman. This particular woman, was overall bigger, didn’t look nearly as fit, and had quite a big behind. That’s why I was surprised to hear Gymnast Girl say, “I wish I had a ‘bubble butt.’” What?!? Did I hear right? Apparently, I did.

This got me thinking about that old saying—The Grass is Always Greener on the Other Side. What I’ve discovered is that it most definitely isn’t!

People with curly hair, want straight; people with straight hair, want curly.

Girls with small boobs, want big ones; girls with big boobs, want small ones.

Tall girls want to be shorter; short girls want to be taller.

People with thick hair want it thinner; people with fine hair want it thicker.

People with fair skin want it darker; people with darker skin want to be fair.

The list can go on. No matter what you have, it seems more appealing to have what you don’t. But think about it, what you have is what someone else wants. I’m sure Bubble Butt girl would have loved to look like Gymnast Girl.

It’s time to realize that what you have is valuable. To lust for something else is basically saying that what you have isn’t good enough. But it is, isn’t it? Someone out there would love to have your eyes, your hair, your teeth, you boob size, skin color, etc.

Stop wishing for your grass to be greener. Just water the grass you do have, and watch it grow thick and green.

The Grass is Greener Where You Water It!(1)

“Hey, Are You Listening?” The Rudeness of Distracted Listening!

Have you ever tried talking to someone either on the phone or in person who isn’t really listening? The person acts like they are, but you can just tell they’re half there. I’ve actually had someone ask me a question, and while I was answering, they were browsing their Facebook page, or Twitter feed. Ouch!

What is happening to the way we interact with each other? I know iPhones are fun, instant gratification, and all, but what about actual people? Do they not deserve to be heard? I say they most definitely do. Continue reading →